She is More Precious than Rubies

Things are pretty good. But I'm quite worried about Ruby these days. As time goes on, I notice how much people continue to ask about Saffren and Willa, even after four and a half years. It's different when you have people notice and ask about two of your girls much more than the third. People randomly stop Saffren in the hall at church to give her hugs. They come tell us how adorable and hilarious Willa is. And they notice Cyrus, because he's adorable and loud and crazy and running around. Jasper has a huge personality that makes waves wherever he goes, and he's the oldest. So people know him.

But who is asking about Ruby? Who is noticing her? Is she getting lost, and she the only one? She is such a gem. She is such a joy. She is so diligent, and sweet, and smart, and strong. But she does it all quietly. She is not showy. And the others are. She is probably trying harder than any of the other kids and getting the least recognition for it. People--even family members--go out of their way to include Saffren and Willa, to make them feel special. Frankly, it sometimes gets sickening how much it still happens. I don't think it's good for the girls. But mostly I wonder, what will be the eventual after-burn from all that for Ruby?

I believe I know how to help her. I am a middle child, too. I know this can all make her stronger. But sometimes I feel her growing more quiet, more nervous, and it breaks my heart a little. She is one of those so-earnest souls who can do themselves in with earnestness if they're not careful. I understand because I was one--but I didn't have the added dose of timidity, or the famous sisters to deal with.

I don't want her to sow seeds of anxiety where none existed before, because of these sisters I brought into her life to overshadow her.

When she draws closer to me for comfort, I wish her sisters could let it happen without plaguing our relationship constantly with comparison and jealousy.

I see all you're doing, Ruby. I notice. I am grateful.

You are my joy. I am your champion.

Orphans with Parents

We recently got Saffren and Willa back into counseling with new counselors. Actually, this is the first time Willa has been in counseling, besides psychological testing. Both counselors are better than any we've had in the past—hands down. It's like we were in the farm league and have finally made it to the majors. Willa's counselor, especially, has been so insightful. He pushes Willa, drilling down comments and words, and is making progress quickly. He has given us a lot of insights that have really helped. He has enough experience, both academic and clinical, to get right through the facade. And he's an expert in attachment theory.

One of the interesting things Dr. D has mentioned is that Willa is still living as an orphan, even though she has parents. Though he doesn't see Saffren, many of the things he is discovering about Willa make sense for Saffren, too. They are both living as orphans in many ways. They have parents, but they don't know how to "use" them, so to speak. And their lack of letting us parent them makes it harder for us to bond with them. And this is after 4 1/2 years. 4.5 YEARS!! That is a long time.

You have to know that in time we have tried everything, said and done all the things that seem so obviously like they should help. But in many ways they haven't gotten through.  For example, we have modeled saying goodnight, like a typical parent and child do, and we have taught it, but short of making it a nightly rule, Saffren and Willa are still likely to go to bed without ever checking in with a parent unless they are reminded. This may sound like no big deal, but when you experience it time and time again for years you realize how unusual it is, and why it actually happens. The idea of being parented has still not sunk in. They are living in a family and going through the motions, but still not relying on the family, or feeling true loyalty to the family. They have experienced brain trauma. And that will take a long time, and a lot of baby steps, to undo.

Steve and I think of it this way: it's as if we are on one side of a two-man saw, and the girls are on the other. They are holding on and Steve and I push the saw forward and back, but they are not actually pushing with us, or putting their weight into it. So, to anyone on the outside it looks as if we are functioning like any other saw team. Even for the girls it can be very difficult to understand what they are doing differently from every other saw team—every other family. They are going through the motions. They are leaning forward and back. Their hands are on the saw. What is missing? Why do Mom and Dad look so exhausted on the other side of the saw? But for us it is easy to feel the push and pull that is missing. We came from healthy families, and we have other children who have not been traumatized. We know what it really could feel like if we were all pushing and pulling with all of our might.

Does that make sense? These new understandings have been really fascinating. And they make it easier to cope, and easier to know how to react to each bewildering situation. If you can stand back and not take it personally (which is sometimes, but certainly not all the time), it's like living in an emotional experiment.

Trust

If you're reading this blog, my quiet blog, I'm trusting that your understand a few things. You understand that I love all my kids, am trying my very hardest to do best by them, and that generally we are happy and doing well. So you don't have to feel bad for me when I express frustrations, or think we are on the brink of disaster. I also trust you to know that there's much that goes on that isn't seen on the surface.

Just Kidding--NOW You're in the Right Place

Sorry sorry sorry, everybody! I finally pulled the trigger and went private, and then immediately didn't feel good about it. There are so many struggling adoptive families out there getting no real, true perspectives that I hated the idea of all my old posts suddenly being harder to find. I decided to create a second, private blog instead. So that's why your email got bombarded again. I invited you all next door to this "quiet" blog.

Thanks for stopping by! We'll get going on both soon.